It’s been awhile since I last wrote a blog post and I definitely don’t feel good.
I’ve been feeling myself slipping from a peak over the last couple of day, I’ve slowly been losing my all important routine. I haven’t been exercising regularly, eating properly and I’ve been feeling behind at varsity. My mood and energy levels have been so low that I’ve been in a miserable mood the last couple of days. I’ve caught myself sitting around waiting for someone to rescue me. Yes I do need my medication to be adjusted but no I don’t need to let everything I’ve been working so hard for slip.
I need to pull up my socks and continue, for my own sanity.
One thing I’ve constantly struggled with is my lack of consistency.
I find my thoughts function at two level either in super speedy overdrive or in motion so slow it might as well not be moving at all. So what I tend to do is nothing when the brains not moving and try to cram everything in once I’m in overdrive and I think that makes sense, however the problem is my productivity. I just wrote an accounting test that I didn’t feel good about because I left studying to the last second due to the fact I was trying to catch up crazy amounts of work that SHOULD have been done.
I’m doing a degree in Economics and the workload is not unmanageable, it’s not difficult to the point I wouldn’t be able to cope, in fact this first years course outline is rather pleasant. The problem I have is with my consistency and swinging between the two extremes in brain capacity does not make it easier. both ends are very challenging to utilise the more speedy I am the less I can concentrate on a single train of thought conversely the slower I am makes just grasping a concept nearly impossible. The trick is finding the middle ground and maximizing it. this is often easier said than done, firstly it’s not always consistent or it’s not often there for long enough. What also happens is anxiety because I know I’m behind can make be feel very overwhelmed and make me want to throw my hands up and say fuck it, fuck all of it and the horse in rode in on.
The anxiety and pressure that I put on myself is one of the most unproductive things I do because it kills me, quite simply it makes me think why must I bother I’m going to fail anyway? I don’t know what I’m doing what’s the point? This is a very dangerous mindset for me, well for anyone who thinks like that I presume. It leads me down the slippery slope of self-pity which is so comfortable to be in, even just for a little while.
There are ways I can help myself to make sure I’m as productive and as consistent as I can possibly be, I can set my routine and make sure I follow it. As annoying as it is I can’t function outside of a routine which includes sleep, exercise, nutritious food, allocated work time and some time for myself. Currently I’m trying to figure out what works for me and I’m finding it’s not as simple as I think it is. it’s taking a fair amount of trial and error and I think it’s important for me and anyone else in my position to be kind to themselves but being careful about not giving up and falling into the realm of self-pity which is far too easy. If only implementing healthy systems was as easy as feeling sorry for myself.
Basically this word vomit of a post is me telling myself it’s not going to be easy but I can do it. Consistency especially within ones self is so important and I think anyone with Bipolar or any other condition can agree. It’s difficult holding myself accountable when I’m still figuring out what is in my control and what isn’t. I do know my treatment plan needs to be adjusted, I’ve been off of medication for bipolar for over a year and I need external help with that.
I the mean time I can work as hard as possible at accomplishing the small goals that I set daily, one of them being this post. to anyone else dealing with the same thing or anything else, stay strong and there is no shame in admitting you can’t do it all.
Over and out lovelies