One thing I’ve constantly struggled with is my lack of consistency.
I find my thoughts function at two level either in super speedy overdrive or in motion so slow it might as well not be moving at all. So what I tend to do is nothing when the brains not moving and try to cram everything in once I’m in overdrive and I think that makes sense, however the problem is my productivity. I just wrote an accounting test that I didn’t feel good about because I left studying to the last second due to the fact I was trying to catch up crazy amounts of work that SHOULD have been done.
I’m doing a degree in Economics and the workload is not unmanageable, it’s not difficult to the point I wouldn’t be able to cope, in fact this first years course outline is rather pleasant. The problem I have is with my consistency and swinging between the two extremes in brain capacity does not make it easier. both ends are very challenging to utilise the more speedy I am the less I can concentrate on a single train of thought conversely the slower I am makes just grasping a concept nearly impossible. The trick is finding the middle ground and maximizing it. this is often easier said than done, firstly it’s not always consistent or it’s not often there for long enough. What also happens is anxiety because I know I’m behind can make be feel very overwhelmed and make me want to throw my hands up and say fuck it, fuck all of it and the horse in rode in on.
The anxiety and pressure that I put on myself is one of the most unproductive things I do because it kills me, quite simply it makes me think why must I bother I’m going to fail anyway? I don’t know what I’m doing what’s the point? This is a very dangerous mindset for me, well for anyone who thinks like that I presume. It leads me down the slippery slope of self-pity which is so comfortable to be in, even just for a little while.
There are ways I can help myself to make sure I’m as productive and as consistent as I can possibly be, I can set my routine and make sure I follow it. As annoying as it is I can’t function outside of a routine which includes sleep, exercise, nutritious food, allocated work time and some time for myself. Currently I’m trying to figure out what works for me and I’m finding it’s not as simple as I think it is. it’s taking a fair amount of trial and error and I think it’s important for me and anyone else in my position to be kind to themselves but being careful about not giving up and falling into the realm of self-pity which is far too easy. If only implementing healthy systems was as easy as feeling sorry for myself.
Basically this word vomit of a post is me telling myself it’s not going to be easy but I can do it. Consistency especially within ones self is so important and I think anyone with Bipolar or any other condition can agree. It’s difficult holding myself accountable when I’m still figuring out what is in my control and what isn’t. I do know my treatment plan needs to be adjusted, I’ve been off of medication for bipolar for over a year and I need external help with that.
I the mean time I can work as hard as possible at accomplishing the small goals that I set daily, one of them being this post. to anyone else dealing with the same thing or anything else, stay strong and there is no shame in admitting you can’t do it all.
Over and out lovelies
I know I vowed to myself that I would write a blog post daily yet on the first day I managed to procrastinate so well that I only finished my assignment that was due for today at 12:30 AM.
So I have known for months that on the 8th of May I have a marketing assignment due, I’m not the biggest marketing fan but that’s besides the point it needs to be handed in on the 8th of May. On Wednesday the 3rd I wrote in my diary “START MARKETING” but I thought naaaaah I wrote economics test and had my doctor’s appointment I deserve a break, I’ll start tomorrow. The next day I wasn’t feeling the marketing vibe so I set aside time to get it done in the library at Varsity. So on Friday the 5th of May I sat in the library and mentally started this assignment, which means I read through it 4000 time and wrote two paragraphs, that was my friday. the goal was to submit it by friday night, it’s safe to say that did not happen so I vowed saturday would be the night.
Saturday rolls around I decide to sleep in, why not I deserve it and I love sleep. I spend the majority of the day digging myself in a YouTube hole. At about 4pm I realise my plan of submitting this here assignment was not about to happen. Instead I finally finish setting up this blog, yes I know is a product of procrastination. I promise myself come hell or high water this damn excuse of an assignment will be completed on Sunday, well I didn’t really have a choice it had to be.
I wake up on Sunday morning after sleeping in because ya know why not? After slowly make my way downstairs and have breakfast, shower and generally start feeling slightly more human. I plan my day so that there is time to do some practise driving and to go to the gym. Finally I sit myself down and start while simultaneously checking various social media accounts. Before I know it my Dad comes and tells me it’s time to got for a drive, It’s 2:30. At this point I have finished the first 20 mark question out of the possible 100 marks. Approximately 2 hours later I arrive home and start tackling this ASSignment, 20 minutes and 5 marks later I’m informed that if I want to go to gym it’s now or never of course I choose now. A run, stretch class and steam room later I finally get home have dinner and frantically start attacking my keyboard.I started at 8:30 PM on Sunday night and finished at 12:30 AM on monday morning, the day it was due.
I’m currently sitting in the library waiting for my Turn-it-in report and see a few students with their marketing text books out and a crazy look in their eyes. At least I’m not the worst, I say this justifying my actions and forget the frenzy of the last 24 hours.
More later, over and out.
I’ve been contemplating writing a blog, more specifically a daily blog for quite a while and it appears that I’ve finally started. I’m using this platform as a space where I can de-clutter my thoughts and document my success and my failures. It’s been a pretty daunting task just starting but now that I’ve officially I’m going to push myself and consistently upload content.
This is the space where I will be documenting my life, more for me than anyone else, putting my ideas and experiences onto the proverbial pen and paper. I’m not going to lie I’m pretty nervous and have no idea where to start, so I think I’ll start with a brief background story.
I’m Ali and I’m currently in my first year studying a Bcom majoring in economics. I turned twenty-one in Feb and I live in sunny South Africa, Cape Town to be more precise. I stay with my family because you know students are broke AF and I’m certainly not an exception. My life pretty much revolves around varsity, staying sane and my two dogs, I recently got diagnosed with Bipolar disorder with a side of Borderline personality disorder. So this space is really going to be about finding my feet in every sense of the phrase from my physical journey, preparing for the Robben Island swim to the emotional one of finding stability socially, mentally and academically.
I understand this is a little all over the show but stay with me I’ll get the hang of it. I now cordially Invite you to join me on this adventure some call life.
Over and out